Why Do We Keep Repeating the Same Patterns? A Psychodynamic and Existential Perspective
Have you ever found yourself asking:
"Why do I always end up in the same kind of relationship?"
"Why do I keep putting everyone else's needs before my own?"
"Why do I react so strongly to certain situations, even when I know better?"
Many of us move through life repeating familiar patterns of behaviour without fully understanding where they come from. We may recognise them intellectually, yet feel unable to change them. Psychodynamic and existential psychotherapy offer a powerful explanation for why this happens and, importantly, how change becomes possible.
The Origins of Our Patterns
From the moment we are born, we begin learning about ourselves and the world through our relationships with others. Long before we have words, our experiences with parents, caregivers, siblings, and significant people shape how we understand safety, love, acceptance, and belonging.
As children, we are remarkably adaptable. We develop ways of behaving that help us survive emotionally within our particular environment.
For example:
A child who experiences criticism may become highly self-critical and perfectionistic.
A child who feels responsible for a parent's emotional wellbeing may learn to ignore their own needs.
A child who experiences unpredictability may become hypervigilant and anxious.
A child who feels unseen may learn to withdraw and rely only on themselves.
At the time, these adaptations make sense. They are creative solutions developed by a young mind trying to navigate its world.
The Psychodynamic View: Defences That Once Protected Us
Psychodynamic theory suggests that many of our adult behaviours originated as unconscious defences.
Sigmund Freud proposed that the mind develops ways of protecting us from overwhelming feelings. Later theorists such as Anna Freud, Melanie Klein, and Donald Winnicott expanded our understanding of how these protective strategies emerge within early relationships.
The problem is not that these defences exist. The problem is that they often remain active long after the original danger has passed.
A child who learned that expressing anger led to rejection may become an adult who never expresses disagreement.
A child who learned that love had to be earned through achievement may become an adult who constantly strives, yet never feels good enough.
The unconscious mind continues to operate according to old emotional rules, even when our adult circumstances are very different.
In many ways, the adult is still responding to yesterday's emotional reality.
The Existential View: Living a Life That No Longer Fits
Existential psychotherapy approaches the issue from a slightly different angle.
Rather than focusing primarily on the past, existential thinkers explore how these inherited patterns shape our experience of being alive in the present.
Over time, our coping strategies can become so familiar that they begin to feel like our personality.
We may tell ourselves:
"I'm just an anxious person."
"I'm the strong one."
"I'm not good with relationships."
"I always put others first."
These identities can become cages that limit our freedom.
Existential philosophers such as Martin Heidegger and Jean-Paul Sartre suggested that human beings naturally drift into habitual ways of living. We often follow established patterns because they feel safe and predictable.
Yet something within us continues to seek authenticity.
Part of us knows that we are living according to old scripts rather than our genuine desires, values, and possibilities.
This creates a tension between who we have become and who we might be.
When the Old Defences Stop Working
Many people come to therapy when their long-standing coping strategies begin to fail.
The perfectionist burns out.
The people-pleaser feels resentful and exhausted.
The avoider finds themselves increasingly isolated.
The self-reliant person feels profoundly lonely.
The very strategies that once protected us begin creating suffering.
This can be a painful period. People often describe feeling stuck, confused, lost, or overwhelmed. They know something isn't working, but they may not understand why.
From both psychodynamic and existential perspectives, this crisis is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong.
It may be a sign that growth is trying to happen.
The old ways of surviving are no longer enough.
The psyche is asking for something new.
Therapy as a Space for Understanding
Psychodynamic therapy helps us uncover the unconscious origins of our patterns.
Together, therapist and client explore recurring themes, emotions, relationships, fears, and defences. Gradually, connections emerge between past experiences and present difficulties.
Existential therapy asks different but complementary questions:
How am I living?
What choices am I making?
What am I avoiding?
What kind of life do I want to create?
What does authenticity mean for me?
As understanding deepens, choice becomes possible.
Patterns that once felt automatic begin to loosen their grip.
The Possibility of Change
One of the most hopeful aspects of psychotherapy is the recognition that our patterns are not our destiny.
They were learned.
They made sense.
They helped us survive.
But they do not have to define the rest of our lives.
When we understand the emotional logic behind our behaviours, we can begin relating to ourselves with greater compassion rather than criticism.
The goal is not to blame our past or erase it.
The goal is to become conscious of the forces that have shaped us, so that we can respond to life with greater freedom, authenticity, and self-awareness.
Often, the moment we realise "something isn't working anymore" is not the beginning of failure.
It is the beginning of change.
Sonia Phocas
Be One Counselling
A warm, confidential space to explore the patterns that shape your life and discover new ways of being.
